it's been so long since I've posted.... I don't know if that means I'm better or worse.  I think it means I'm worse.. I'm crazier then I've ever been. The problem is not that I am crazy but that I make myself ,sick and crazy for one person.. I just want someone to actually love me and make me their number one and I don't think that is to much to ask for. I mean I know I may not be the prettiest but I know that I am a good girlfriend and that I would make a fantastic wife... 

And it's not that I am jealous and it's not that I am mad or upset its that he treats her so different them he treats me. He take pictures and drinks and is more himself with her then I feel he will ever be with me.. I'm scared cause he is partying it up tonight and the person he is going to bed with is not me.... I trust him with my life but my heart is worried as hell that if something happens I will break. I will be broken and shattered. 

I don't think he really understands the level at which I love him and the level at which I would give for him. He says he knows he knows but really he is so blind. So blind by our arrangement that he can't see