it's been so long since I've posted.... I don't know if that means I'm better or worse.  I think it means I'm worse.. I'm crazier then I've ever been. The problem is not that I am crazy but that I make myself ,sick and crazy for one person.. I just want someone to actually love me and make me their number one and I don't think that is to much to ask for. I mean I know I may not be the prettiest but I know that I am a good girlfriend and that I would make a fantastic wife... 

And it's not that I am jealous and it's not that I am mad or upset its that he treats her so different them he treats me. He take pictures and drinks and is more himself with her then I feel he will ever be with me.. I'm scared cause he is partying it up tonight and the person he is going to bed with is not me.... I trust him with my life but my heart is worried as hell that if something happens I will break. I will be broken and shattered. 

I don't think he really understands the level at which I love him and the level at which I would give for him. He says he knows he knows but really he is so blind. So blind by our arrangement that he can't see

FWB

There is so much drama im not even sure where to begin.... everyone is running in circles trying to find people to blame when the one they should blame is themselves. I dont understand why people attack people..... Friends with benefits are ment to be with friends with benefits and people who want relationships should be with people who want to be in a relationship!! Mixing the two just doesn't work. No one is happy and no one will ever be satisfied.

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Right now Mia is mad at taylor because he put his arm around me last night and grabbed my hand. We were both drunk and nothing was even going to happen but she loves him like actually loves him and all he wants is to just have a good time and have some fun. She doesn't want that she wants him and hiim not being able to commit is hurting her and making her sad. I couldnt believe how upset she was last night and how hurt.. I didnt know what to say.. and on one hand im sooo with her and if it were me i would be sad and pissed too but then at the same time nothing happened like we didnt do anything and shes mad... i dont know what to do. like i said nothing but drama drama drama ....

Take a part of Me

Today started off great but now... Now im not so sure.. As confident and happy as ever has now tranformed into unsure and fragile. I feel like i need to change but am unsure of where to even start.. I dont wanna be like this anymore. I want to go back and change so many things that have happened. On one hand everything has made me who i am but then somedays i dont like who I am. Somedays i Just wanna be someone else. I wanna do something different and mix it up. Maybe going back to FAU will be that chance that im looking for. Maybe thhis year will be different.. but... but what if its not? What if its bad again and what if this time i dont have an out. I dont know what i would do...

The guys are coming over soon so i dont know.. maybe will have some fun and things will be ok. Im not sure though and thats what scares me the most. All of the not being sure..

I never told you

Now I'm deafened by your silence, blinded by the tears and now its clear that you will never be... For so long I put my trust and heart in your hands and now I know that it was the worst possible choice I ever could have made. All you did was hurt and lie and not just to me.. How could you do this to us, how could you put us in that situation.. Why did you do it? You say your sorry and you don't know but that is not the answer. It was wrong and everyday were going to be living with the choices that you made. Everyday were gonna be stuck with the memory of the things you did to us... with the way you treated us... the way you treated me...

soul + mate = what??

Why do we feel the need to be wanted and loved? Is loving ourselves so hard that we look to others to fill the void we cant fill ourselves. All anyone talks about these days are love and soul mates.. what is a soul mate? Some define it as the person you are destined to be with.. but how do we know? How are we supposed to tell who our soul mate is and why do we have to go through so many assholes to get there?... I just dont understand it...

Enough

Why are relationships so complicated... everything seems to be so difficult and I just dont understand why it has to be that way... Guys are always talking about how they want a girl thats gonna be by their side and thats gonna take care of them and how they want their queen,  but its like seriously the girl you want is the best friend you ignore. The girl you want is the girl you sit and make fun of. The girl you want to marry is right infront of your face and your too stuck up to notice.

Your to shallow to pay attention and see that the normal looking girls are the ones who have the ability to take care of you.. but instead you want the easy fuck, you want the dumb pretty girls who will give it up in one night. If you just waited you could have the nice good girl you always talk about and have an actual commited relationship. But guys dont really want that do they? Commitment oooo so scary right? The word comes up and guys flip out!

If your not gonna take it seriously then why do you bitch so much! why do you complain about girls and complain that you want more... Guys and girls are the same they want the same things only no one is bold enough to go after it. 

Its so dumb!!

Needy?!?

As I'm slowly growing up I ask myself the age old question "Who am I?" and "What am I becoming?" and as the days pass me by i'm loosing site of the answer.  I made my who life about my friends. My whole life has been about my pleasing others and I think I'm ready to start pleasing myself... Im so lost though. Recently I've been so out of it. Ive lost some of the most improtant people in my world and im not handling it really well. I miss them all the time. Not a minute goes by where I'm not thinking about that. They cared about me. Each and everyone of them cared about me and told me/ showed me all the time. And maybe im a needy person for that but i actually like being needed and reminded that people love and care about me and I didnt see that as a problem.